Sliver Moon Bay: The Looking Page 9

  Oh, yes. He will drink as he often does now. Sits in the truck with a bottle, looking at the house, drinking. For hours, thinking about her, how she trusted her daddy and how he failed her, and he’s probably blaming himself. And so he should be. Lilian blames him. I blame him. But only because I miss her so much.

  39

  ‘Lilian. Lil’… you azleep, h-honey?’

  Oh, no. Chris’s slurring. He has been out there and now he’s crawled back in. He wants to be a husband now. This isn’t going to go down well.

  It doesn’t. Lilian’s conscious, for once. It’s the next morning and her magic pills have worn off.

  ‘Fuck off! Don’t even think about it, you pig!’

  She’s really vicious. So is he, by the sound of it. It’s a good thing it’s a school day cause I really wouldn’t want to be here. With them.

  There’s some tussling going on over there. I cough and the tussle stops. It’s my trick. It works a treat, even on these destroyed individuals I’m lumped with. It’s so disrespectful, this type of behaviour I’ve had to put up with. I so miss you, Starling. They would have never behaved like this when you were here.

  Then the tussle begins again. But he’s not going to get his way. She slaps him. She. Slaps. Him. The bed creaks and Lilian’s out. She’s padded across the five elephants separating us and she’s hopped into bed with me. And Sleepy. She holds us tight. It’s delicious. I feel like a little girl. So wanted. So needed. So adored. It’s a lovely dream. Almost as good as when Fairy used to come to see me. But it doesn’t last.

  The curtain separating my bedroom from the kitchen is pulled aside and there’s Chris swaying in the doorway, looking at us loved up in each other’s arms. He’s the odd one out now.

  ‘I wish it was you.’

  He’s looking straight at me.

  ‘It should have been you.’

  He turns and leaves us. Five elephants’ worth and the bed at the opposite end of our fucked up world creaks. The monster’s lying down. Alone. Forever. Cause Lilian will not lie in there again.

  40

  She’s not forgiven him for what he said to me. And there’s snow on the ground now so it’s been a while. We sleep in my bed, he sleeps in theirs. But he’s not around that much. He works a lot more now. Goes out of town, looking. For something. A clue, perhaps. The thing is we don’t know. He doesn’t tell us but he’s gone most days. Sometimes even nights. We don’t know where he’s staying when he’s not home. Lilian keeps company with her magic pills so she’s only vaguely interested. But it’s not good for her. I have to get her out of this.

  ‘I think you should go back to work, Mum.’

  She looks at me like I’m joking. We’re having a late breakfast around the kitchen pull-out. She’s still in her bathrobe. She’s been wearing it these last three days.

  ‘Seriously, Mum. It will take your mind off things.’

  She lights up a cigarette. Looks out of the window. It’s snowing. Big fat snowflakes land on the window, look at us. Maybe they’re wondering why this lady looks so dishevelled. At this hour.

  ‘Starling liked it when it snowed, remember?’ Lilian slides open the window, sticks her hand out. A snowflake lands on it, she watches it melt.

  ‘I called the shop, Mum. Amanda said anytime you’re ready.’

  She doesn’t even look at me. So I just leave.

  At school, it’s another day. After gym, Amy sidles up, just as the bell goes. She’s standing by the door, letting everyone past her. She’s waiting for me. Everybody goes to lunch. It’s kind of funny how this happens, so often now. I know she feels sorry for me. She worries about Lilian. And Chris. Cause he hasn’t been co-operating. Captain Josh has come by, twice, when Chris was home from fishing. But Chris had nothing to say. He didn’t want to go over anything that we’d been through.

  ‘What the fuck for?’ he shouted at Captain Josh. They were outside the trailer. Chris sat on the doorstep, smoking, and couldn’t even be bothered to hide his joint. Just blew the smoke right into Captain Josh’s concerned dial.

  ‘I need to know if you’ve remembered anything new. Anything, Chris, any little detail.’

  ‘Man, you’re funny,’ Chris said. He smirked, too. I saw the whole thing from behind my curtain. Lilian was asleep on the bed right behind me, and she did not even stir, not even when Chris shouted. And he was right there, on the doorstep, below us.

  Captain Josh didn’t know what else to say, it was obvious. So he turned and off he went, to continue with his enquiry elsewhere.

  So now, Amy’s waiting for me when gym class is over. I’ll bet she wants to see how I’m holding up. I nod to her. I’m okay, we’re all doing fine. Well, you know. She nods, I nod. There’s a bit of a silence building between us cause everybody’s gone. It’s just me and her, packing up equipment before going to lunch. And I’m thinking that maybe she’s here snooping cause it’s Captain Josh’s new tactic. He’s put her up to it, maybe. Or maybe I’m just paranoid. About everything. Of course, she’s concerned about us. She is a mother herself. She has a little boy not much older than Starling. So maybe she can genuinely put herself in our shoes. How she’d feel if that happened to her. It’s that which is on everyone’s mind when they look at us. Starling’s name is no longer being mentioned. She’s been relegated to that what happened to us. I’ve noticed a few people thinking it, when we pass by. Poor things, it’s them that happened to, you know, they nod at each other, just so, but I see it. It’s there in their eyes, in the way they look at us. Me and Chris, anyway. Lilian hasn’t been out of the trailer.

  41

  The next day, Chris makes an announcement.

  ‘I’m going away for a while. I’ve got a new job.’

  Lilian looks up from her plate. It’s lunch time and a Saturday so we’ve assembled here, around the pull-out, to keep body and soul together.

  ‘It’s good money. You won’t have to worry about anything.’

  ‘I don’t worry about anything,’ she replies, resumes eating.

  So that’s that. It’s up to me, again, to keep everything in la-la land. Cause we’re tired of keeping it real. It’s too hard work.

  ‘Where are you going, Dad?’

  ‘Deep sea fishing.’

  ‘When will you be back?’

  ‘Not before Easter, honey.’

  Lilian raises her eyes to Chris’s. They’re brimming with tears. It’s a sign. For me to leave these two alone.

  42

  I left them alone. I managed it with a fat lie about a science project which involved me recording the changing of the seasons. Seriously, we did such a thing in the second grade in little people’s school. Anybody in their right mind would have cottoned on, but these two are not in their right mind. Obviously. So I went down to the beach. I still go, as often as I can but it’s getting harder cause I’m at school now most of the time. School is not so bad anymore. It gives me relief. From them, from my grief. It’s a happy place. It’s where Starling and I can be together. Fairy too, but she doesn’t come to me as much. She’s only been twice since.

  I take the shortcut past old Drake’s place. It looks sad. It’s locked up. Chris has the key, of course, cause the cabin is his now, and the land. The cabin is in good shape, it’s got a comfortable bed, proper kitchen, fireplace, electricity, inside toilet. You know what I’m saying. It would be nice to spend the winter there but we won’t move in. We just can’t, considering... Lilian hasn’t set foot in there since the early days. I have. And Chris has too.

  Quite often, Chris comes to look after his dope. It’s his now, the whole operation behind the shed, in summer, and in the shed, now winter’s closed in. He keeps his garden warm in the shed. It’s a cosy place I imagine. That’s why he spends so much time in there, on the couch he’s put in so he could be comfortably alone. I wish I could lie on it, hide from everything, the way he does. I wouldn’t mind spending the night, especially when Lilian’s out of her magic pills. It can be a hard slog with her th
en. But I don’t have the key. And Chris has been very careful.

  I guess, now he’s going away, things are going to change. He might trust me a bit more. Or he might not. After all, I am the one remaining child he has. No matter how he looks at it.

  43

  Turns out he trusts me. We have a talk, later on, when Lilian’s asleep. In their bed.

  Chris and I watch a DVD together. We’re having a father and daughter evening. A last hurrah, so to speak. But it’s a whole new experience, really, cause we never did this when Starling was around. We always had to watch her fairy movie. Or Noddy, or some shit, you know. What three-year-olds like. So an evening like this is a bit of a novelty, which I could get used to.

  We watch a zombie movie. It’s wonderful. Everyone dies of a virus and is resurrected only to wreak havoc. Then a hero comes and saves everybody who’s still alive. Temporarily, I’m sure cause the ending is conveniently open ended. But it’s a rush, the whole thing. It’s fantastic.

  So we talk about it. Chris reckons it could even happen, you know, under the right circumstances. Which I’m not sure about, but it would be fun. Under the right circumstances. Like if you were really prepared. Had food stocked up, weapons, good people around you. You could hole up somewhere safe, like even here, I say to Chris. He agrees; it’s a good hiding place, here in the mountains. And the beach behind us is like part of our fortress. Cause the zombies wouldn’t be able to swim so that side of our hideout is basically safe. We’d only have to patrol the road. Set up a parameter. Post sentries.

  Chris is smiling now. He’s lit a joint cause I’m a big girl now and— ‘Anyway, you’re sharp, Sarah, you know what’s going on so I’m counting on you,’ says Chris. Inhales, nods.

  ‘We’ll be okay, Dad. I’m gonna keep an eye on everything for you, I promise.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Especially Mum.’

  ‘I know. She’ll be alright with you here.’

  ‘You’ll call us?’

  ‘Every day. And sometimes I will even get through.’

  We grin at each other. He smokes, I watch him. It’s been a good day.

  44

  By the end of the weekend he’s gone. Saying goodbye, we all shed a tear. Lilian sobbed, vigorously, like she used to when Starling was still around and something went wrong. She really put in an effort so she must be feeling better. And she still loves Chris. And me.

  She hung onto me when we saw him off. She kissed him, properly, and cried buckets. He did too. He kissed her and hugged her and told her how much he loved her and that he was sorry he had to go but it was for the best and when he came back, he said, things would be better. He looked at me and then it was my turn to hug and kiss. Then Lilian came in on this again and we all cried. We felt very sad, as if something good was ending. I only wished Starling could have been with us cause she would have made such a scene seeing her Daddy go that we would have had to cut the whole thing short. But she’s missing. Gone.

  And now Chris is too.

  45

  ‘How are you, Sarah-honey?’

  ‘Good, Dad. Real good.’

  ‘Mum?’

  ‘She’s well. She’s got something to tell you.’

  I hand the phone over. Lilian’s standing at the kitchen pull-out, doing the dishes. She’s smiling.

  ‘Hi,’ she says.

  She gives me a look. Okay, I get it. I’m going. I’ll even close the door so she doesn’t think I’m gonna be spying. Of course, I can hear her from outside just as well. She left the window open to let the steam out when she was cooking. I only need to stand quietly under it.

  ‘I’m doing okay. —Really.’

  —

  ‘I’ve gone back to work.’

  —

  ‘It’s great, actually. Three days a week right now but Amanda tells me I’ll get more hours after Cynthia goes.’

  —

  ‘She’s retiring at the end of the month.’

  —

  ‘I can handle it, Chris. Stop worrying.’

  —

  ‘It’s working out well. I’m able to give Sarah a lift home twice a week.’

  —

  ‘No, she doesn’t mind taking the bus. She suggested it.’

  —

  ‘It is good news.’

  —

  ‘That’s good. Yeah. I know. I’ve been checking the account. It’s all there. It’s more than we need, Chris, thank you.’

  —

  ‘I know. I know. I’ve been thinking about it. But I’m not sure if it is such a good idea. Sarah’s just—‘

  —

  ‘Okay, we’ll discuss it when you come back. You want to speak to Sarah?’

  —

  ‘Me too. Bye.’

  She hangs up the phone, goes back to washing the dishes. I’m slightly hurt. I wanted to speak to Chris. Ah, well, next time I won’t be pushed over so easily. Lesson learnt.

  46

  My fifteenth birthday comes around. Dad’s still not home but he calls. The night before.

  ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, Sarah-honey, happy birthday to you.’

  Oh dear, Dad’s singing. It brings tears to my eyes, it literally does cause he used to sing that to Starling so she would learn it and sing it along with him, to Lilian, on her birthday, and to me, on mine. And this year he’s singing alone. But I am not going to cry.

  ‘It’s tomorrow, dude!’ I say, just loud enough for Lilian to hear. She raises her eyebrows in my direction. Dad got your birthday wrong? They seem to be saying.

  ‘I’m going to be off the grid for a while, Sarah-honey,’ Chris purrs, obviously pleased with my reaction. ‘I won’t be able to reach you tomorrow.’

  Right. I mouth that to Lilian. She nods, shrugs but stays glued to the conversation.

  ‘I’m gonna bring you something spesh,’ says Chris.

  ‘Just bring yourself, and soon,’ I say. My tears are threatening to make an appearance after all. It’s not fair. I really want him here tomorrow. I know Lilian’s planned something. She’s been dropping hints about a surprise. Well, then. It would be nice to have your dad here for it, wouldn’t it? Yes, it would be.

  47

  My fifteenth birthday is a school day. Lilian wakes me up with a good breakfast; pancakes, and it’s the first time she’s made them since, you know. But we’re not going to cry, or dwell, today. She gives me a present. It’s a stack of books, comics about zombies. Ah, she has been talking to Chris. She knows about my new obsession. Move over birds; it’s dead people walking now. And surviving all that. Despite all that. I think it’s all relevant to our situation, you know. And Lilian knows it too. She went to the trouble of getting me something she figured I’d like.

  We hug and kiss. I’m tempted to take a comic with me to school but I’d get distracted there cause people have actually been talking to me, a bit. At lunch time. That hasn’t been as annoying as I thought it might be. Some people in my class are okay to talk to. So I’m gonna leave my comic for later.

  I do get a surprise. After school, just before going home time. It’s a cake, for me, to share with my classmates. Made by Amy, the night before, from scratch. It’s sooo yummy, no wonder the girl’s so big. If she bakes like this… Then Amy comes out with her news. We’re having a sleepover at school, a movie and games night, tonight! Course, my first reaction is to run. Or be sick. Course, I do none of it. Cause people look really pleased. They want to stay and do this. Everyone thinks it will be fun. Some people talk about drinking. And other stuff. Course, none of it is going to happen cause Captain Josh will be here to make sure.

  So we all reconvene at school at sundown. There’s a sausage sizzle dinner and chocolate brownies for desert, would you believe? Clearly, Amy really likes to bake. Captain Josh, by the look of him, likes to eat what she bakes. He’s in his trackies here and you can see how the dude’s piling it on. And so what? Everyone’s stuffing their faces right now. It’s good. Nearl
y everybody showed up. We’re bunking down on the floor, on gym mattresses. Course, we’ve got sleeping bags and pillows and it’s all a bit weird, a bit uncomfortable at first but nobody pays me attention, not much, really, so it’s all good in a bit and we watch the promised movie.

  It’s another zombie flick. Well, duh. I was expecting that. I could get a bit annoyed cause some people are acting up and are making all sorts of noises, some of them funny but still, it’s more of a silly atmosphere rather than what I would like. I do wish I was back in the trailer, watching this with Chris. Course, I will not say. Amy’s looking at me quite a bit when she thinks I won’t notice so I’m going to go with the flow and enjoy this. She’s put in a lot of effort. Lilian too. And that’s got to be worth something.

  Later on, the Hide-and-Seek goes off. We run around the gym like stupid, hiding in the closets, on equipment. I’m really quite surprised how much fun it is to watch people lose all perspective. I’m losing it myself and I enjoy seeing me doing it.

  So finally, the lights are out. For everybody.

  48

  In the morning, a terrible storm breaks out. We’re stuck at the gym. Course, some people want to go home cause it’s a Saturday and they want to get back to their lives but it’s such bad weather it’s been decided to wait it out. Parents are going to wait it out, at home. Cause it’s much safer for us here, hunkered down inside the gym. And we have food. Captain Josh opens up the canteen. Amy makes tea in the huge pot they’ve got there, and Captain Josh makes toast for everybody. There’s butter, jam, all kinds of stuff. Hey, we could be hunkered down in here for ages. We could survive this.